When Loving Her Felt Like Drowning

My name is Thanawat, but everyone calls me Wat.

I’m from Chiang Mai, Thailand — a place full of mountains and quiet sunrises. People say the air here is peaceful, but inside me?
Inside me there is a storm I can never escape.

And the center of that storm is her.

Her name is Marian. Beautiful in a way that makes you forget your own name. The type of woman who laughs softly, touches your arm gently, and suddenly you find yourself rearranging your entire life just to earn another second of her attention.

I never meant to fall this hard.
But it happened quietly… slowly… like drowning without realizing you’re underwater.

At first, it felt harmless.

She’d message me late at night:

“Wat, are you awake? I can’t sleep.”

And like a fool, no matter what I was doing — even if I was at work, or out with my cousins, or half-asleep after a long day — I would reply:

“I’m here.”

Those two words became my whole personality.

I’m here.
Always here.
Only here when it comes to her.

But she wasn’t mine.
Not even close.

One night, I waited outside her apartment because she was upset.
I brought her warm milk tea, tissues, and the jacket she liked borrowing from me.

She cried into my chest, trembling, saying:

“Why do men treat me like I’m disposable? Why can’t I find someone genuine?”

She said this while holding onto me — the one person who would’ve given her everything.

I whispered:

“Some people don’t see the blessing in front of them.”

She didn’t even understand I meant myself.

That night, she fell asleep on my shoulder.
I remember brushing her hair away from her face, thinking:

Maybe this is the moment she finally sees me.

But when morning came, she pulled away like nothing happened.
She thanked me like I was a taxi driver who dropped her home.

Later that afternoon, I saw her Instagram story.

Her in a red dress.
Her smiling.
Her sitting in a car.

Caption:

“Date night ❤️”

My heart dropped so hard I actually felt dizzy.

I wanted to scream.
I wanted to throw my phone.
But instead… like an idiot… I replied:

“You look beautiful.”

And she reacted with a heart emoji — the same emoji she used for everyone.

That was when it hit me:
I was not the man she leaned on.
I was the pillow she cried into before fixing her makeup for someone else.

But the worst part?

I couldn’t stop.

Every day, I tell myself:

Wat, stop being this stupid. Stop picking up every call. Stop running every time she says she needs you.
But the moment she says:

“Wat… can you talk?”

Everything collapses.

My resolve.
My pride.
My sanity.

All I can do is say:

“I’m on my way.”

I know this love is killing me slowly.
I know I’m giving pieces of myself to someone who doesn’t even notice.

People say Thailand is the land of smiles.
But mine?

Mine is the kind you wear while breaking inside.

And the truth?

I don’t know how to escape this.
I don’t know how to walk away from her.
I don’t know how to stop loving someone who only loves what I can offer.

I am drowning.
And she’s the water.