My Whole Calendar is Just a Map to Find a Few Minutes With Her

My name is Kenji. I work as a freelance graphic designer in Pasig, which is a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing because I control my own hours, but it’s a curse because I’ve used that freedom to turn myself into a ghost that only appears when Rina has a break.

Rina is a nurse at a major hospital in Taguig. Her schedule is a nightmare—rotating shifts, double duty, and "on-call" days that change at the last minute. Because I want to be the one person she can always rely on, I’ve stopped living my own life. I live hers. I’ve synced my laptop calendar to her ward’s duty roster. When she’s on the graveyard shift, I stay up all night working so I can be awake to "accompany" her through chat during her 3:00 AM coffee break. When she’s on morning duty, I wake up at 4:30 AM just to drive her to the hospital so she doesn't have to take the Grab.

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve cancelled dinner with my own parents or skipped my best friend’s birthday because Rina suddenly got an early out and said, "I'm so tired, I wish someone could grab some food with me." My friends don't even invite me to Saturday night drinks anymore. They know I won't go if Rina is working, because I’ll be sitting at home with my ringer on high, waiting to see if she needs a ride or a listening ear.

I justify it by telling myself I’m "supportive." I think that by being the only constant thing in her chaotic life, I’m making myself indispensable. I tell myself that eventually, she’ll realize that while other guys find her schedule "too difficult," I’m the one who made it my priority.

Last week was the ultimate test. My biggest client—the one that pays half my rent—wanted a face-to-face meeting on a Wednesday at 2:00 PM. But Rina had a rare "split shift" that day. She was going to be free from 1:00 PM to 4:00 PM and she’d mentioned she wanted to go to the mall to buy new scrubs.

I told the client I had a medical emergency. I pushed the meeting to Friday, even though they sounded annoyed and hinted they might look for another designer. I didn't care. I spent that Wednesday afternoon carrying her bags and walking behind her while she looked at shoes. I was exhausted, having worked until dawn to finish a project, but seeing her relax made it feel worth it.

"Kenji, you're literally the only person who can keep up with me," she said as we sat in the food court. She was checking her phone, smiling at the screen. "Everyone else complains that I’m never free, but you’re always just... there."

"I don't mind, Rina. I like our time," I said, feeling that familiar rush of hope.

"That’s why I have to tell you," she said, finally looking up. "I started seeing this guy, Marco. He’s a doctor in the Cardio department. He’s incredibly busy, obviously. We almost never see each other because our shifts never line up. It’s so romantic, don't you think? Like star-crossed lovers."

I felt the air leave my lungs. I’d rearranged my entire career to be available, and she was falling for a guy who couldn't even give her a lunch hour.

"Oh. That’s... that’s great, Rina," I stammered.

"The thing is," she continued, "since he’s always working when I’m off, I’ve been feeling kind of lonely. I’m so glad I have you to hang out with so I don't just sit at home missing him. You’re like my 'sanity' person. You make sure I still have a social life even when Marco is busy."

I spent the rest of the afternoon listening to her talk about him. I drove her back to the hospital for her evening shift, watching her run inside to find him in the hallways. I went back to my apartment and saw an email from my big client—they’d decided to go with another agency. I lost my biggest source of income because I wanted to help a girl buy scrubs, only to find out I was just her "time-filler" until the guy she actually likes finishes his shift.

My phone just buzzed. It’s a screenshot of Rina’s schedule for next week.

"Hey Kenji! I got put on double duty this Thursday. I know you usually do your big grocery run then, but do you think you could skip it and bring me some dinner at the hospital instead? Marco has a gala to attend and I’m going to be so bored and hungry. You're the best!"

I looked at my empty fridge and my dwindling bank account. I know I should say no. I know I should be looking for new clients. But I’m already checking the traffic on Waze for Thursday night. I’m a designer, but I’ve designed a life where I’m the lead actor in a play where I don't even have a speaking part. I’m just the guy who makes sure the star is comfortable while she waits for her real leading man to arrive.